“Ka Fei Ma Zui Bu Liao Gu Dan, Que Hui Rang Ye Geng Chang...”
Chapter 26
Wei Lian had been walking aimlessly for the past half an hour after Cherie left. His mind was a blank, his heart was a mess. He no longer knew what to think or what not to think anymore. He has always been very steady about such things. He never let such things bother him as much as this. He always knew when to let go, when to stop bothering. Somehow, this time, he has failed. Failed badly.
As he strolled on, he realized that he had wandered into a familiar park. He recognized the musky smell of the shady trees and the sweet smelling flowers at the park. He hadn’t been here for a long time but he will never forget this place, which brought back many happy memories.
The three of them often hung out here during their school days. Those were the days where they were all young and free from worries. Things were so much simpler then.
"Wei Lian, if you are not married by 30 years old and nobody wants me still, will you marry me or not?" Cherie asked when they were 18.
"You where will no one want la? Worry for what?" Wei Lian had replied her that.
"Wei Lian, Jason bullied me!!!" “Ok ok, I beat him. Jason!!!”
"Wei Lian, someone is hiding behind the bushes, I scared." Cherie said. Wei Lian hugged her protectively.
"Wei Lian....I want your cup of ice cream" Cherie pleaded in her sweetest voice. He gave it to her. “Greedy girl la you!”
A smile broke out on Wei Lian’s face as he recalled all the fun times they shared when they were younger. If only they could turn back the clock. If only… Just as he settled himself down on one of the benches, he heard voices talking. He cocked his head and listened intently to see if there were people near him. His heart froze when he heard two familiar voices. Cherie and Jason.
They were sitting on a bench behind Wei Lian, separated by a low garden wall. Cherie had called Jason and asked to meet him shortly after she left Wei Lian at the mall. The uncertainty was eating her up inside and she couldn’t stand it anymore. She needed some answers. If not, she was going to go crazy.
“Jason, I really don’t want to play any more games. We are old enough to speak our minds.” Cherie spoke with resolve. “So are you in love with Fang Qi? Or me?” She didn’t mince her words at all.
Jason was stunned speechless momentarily by Cherie’s directness. He had intended to confess his feelings for her at Café Mocha Love that day. But Cherie had appeared so indifferent towards him and seemed so distracted while talking to him that he had chickened out. He felt that his presence didn’t mean anything to her. So he swallowed all this words. Now, he can’t believe his ears as Cherie asked if he loved her. He opened his mouth but no words came out. His eyes displayed pain as he looked at her. He reached for her hands and held them tight, and managed only one word. “You.”
“Then why that day at the café you didn’t say so? Why did you ask me out and then leave without a word?? Why you torture me when you love me??” Cherie lost control and screamed at him, bursting into tears. Jason heart ached upon seeing Cherie cry and he moved close to her and wrapped his arms around her tightly. Cherie struggled to get out of his hug but Jason wasn’t going to let go. He just wanted to hold her in his arms to protect her and make her happy forever. Cherie relented as Jason hugged her tighter and she collapsed onto him totally. She was already weak with crying.
“Ssshhh, silly girl. Don’t cry already. I…I didn’t tell you how I felt at the café that day because I thought you and Wei Lian… were together. I was afraid and lost.” Jason explained slowly. “And I was nice to Fang Qi because I wanted to help her abit la, but also for selfish reasons lor. I wanted to see if I could evoke any reaction from you.” He continued sheepishly. “ But when you didn’t show any reaction, I thought that was it for me lor.” “Cherie, I’m really sorry. “ With that, Jason planted a kiss on her forehead and Cherie hugged him tightly round the waist.
The world suddenly spun like no tomorrow. Wei Lian sat numbly on the bench, his heart wrenched up in the deadliest of knots. He knew this day will come. That Cherie and Jason will finally get together. He had expected such an ending. But didn’t know it would come so soon. All these while, he had still been harbouring hopes with Cherie. Many times he had scolded himself for being silly, but he continued to love Cherie with all his heart. Now he knew his feelings had to come to an end. Wasn’t he the one who always said that as long as she is happy, he would be happy? Tears streamed furiously down his face as he thought to himself, “Tan Wei Lian, it’s time you faced up to reality…”
As the hurt numbed his senses and he fell deep in thoughts, he didn’t realize that Jason and Cherie had left. He also didn’t realize that someone was standing next to him, looking at him with a concerned yet pained expression. Fang Qi heart ached for Wei Lian. She has never seen him in such a state before. He had always put up a strong front, always appearing indifferent to the happenings around him. But now….His tears tore her heart apart.
After leaving Cherie and Wei Lian at the shopping mall, Jason had asked to be left alone for awhile. Fang Qi knew that he was upset seeing Wei Lian and Cherie together. Afraid that he would do something silly, she had followed him around secretly, until he came to this park. Then she realised he was here to meet Cherie. And her heart dropped when she caught sight of Wei Lian sitting on the bench just behind them. She didn’t know what to do so she just stood there and waited.
All Fang Qi wanted to do now was to go over and hug Wei Lian. She had been quietly watching him cry for five minutes. He never once wiped his tears away. The resigned and desolate look on his face made her heart ache so much that she started to tear. As she shifted her feet to move closer, Wei Lian suddenly heard her presence and asked, “Who’s that?”
Fang Qi dared not speak. She didn’t know what to say. She knew she might make matters worse with the way she talked. She just wanted to be around to offer some moral support. She was contented to just stay quietly by his side.
Wei Lian knew it was Fang Qi. Somehow, he could just sense it. What is she doing here? To spy on me? To see me in this sorry state? Weird thoughts ran through his mind rapidly. He could feel his anger rising. The emotions running around in his head took over him and he lost control of himself.
“What are you doing here?! Just go la! Don’t stand here and look at me la!” He raised his voice. Hearing no response, he got up from the bench, grabbed his bag and white cane and started to walk away. “I tell you ah, you better don’t follow me ah! Don’t come and irritate me!” Wei Lian couldn’t help but vent all his anger on Fang Qi. There was no one else around to be his punching bag. Except her.
Fang Qi kept quiet and slowly followed behind Wei Lian. No, she was not going to let him leave alone. She was worried for him.
“I already said, don’t follow me! You don’t understand issit?” Wei Lian flared up, his voice as loud as anything, shrieking and trembling with immense anger in the middle of the silent cold night.
“I….I just want to see if you are ok….” Fang Qi finally said meekly, stunned by Wei Lian’s sudden outburst. She had seen him flare up before and each time he flares up, she would retaliate. While in the past, when they squabbled, the most common reaction from him is anger. But this time round, it’s not only anger. She knows it’s more than that. She could feel the extreme hurt and despair from his reactions. She could feel it very strongly. Suddenly, it frightens her. She had never felt like this before…except when Jake left her. But coming from Wei Lian, the sudden feeling she felt from him seems to be more….more than anything….
“What’s there to see? Hah? What do you know? You think you who ah? You know what I’m thinking meh? You think you know everything issit? You don’t know ok!! Why are you following me ha? You can leave me alone or not? Why must you appear in front of us?? If you didn’t appear, everything will be just fine!!! Why? What you want!! Just go away! Go! Just go!” Wei Lian screamed at Fang Qi with all his might. He no longer knew what the hell he was doing or saying. All he wanted to do at that moment was to shout. Shout with all his might. He didn’t care what he was screaming and whether his words made sense. He just wanted to shout and scream. Anything that came to his mind. Anything.
As he stood in the middle of the park wrenching his angry fists, his tears flowed uncontrollably. For a long while, he just stood there quietly in the cold piercing wind. From tears he never once bothered to raise his hand to brush off, to uncontrollable sobs and till he could cry no more. He never once said a word more. He kept silent as the cold wind dried his tear-stained face…
All he could hear was the silence of the park and his sobs. Then…he only knew seconds later that he had managed to chase Fang Qi away. Hurt by Wei Lian sharp words that cut like a knife, Fang Qi had picked up what was left of her shattered heart and ran out of the park in tears. Without him realizing it.
Four months later….
Wei Lian sat at the makeshift dining table, facing the television set. He held the TV remote control and began switching channels on the television set. Channel after channel, all he could hear was the “Sa…sa….sa” noise coming from the television set. Nothing on TV tonight.
How ironic? It’s a Saturday and there is not even an interesting program or movie tonight. He is so sick of variety shows that he automatically skips the variety shows channels. Music channels? Not interested at all. His attention span kept getting diverted after a few seconds. Finally, he heaved a sigh and chucked the remote control back into the remote controls holder after turning off the TV.
Ever since that night, he hasn’t seen or heard from Fang Qi again. He heard from Jason and Cherie that she had left Singapore in a hurry. Maybe she went to visit Ah Ma. Who knows? He tried to console himself by cooking up an excuse for himself. She doesn’t know my pattern meh? A little bit and she got angry meh? He chided quietly in his heart umpteen times whenever he thought of that night. But each time he recalled the scene of him hurling hurtful words at her, trying to chase her away, a sense of guilt would overwhelm him. He knew deep inside his heart, he felt bad about venting his frustration on her that night. He tried cooling himself down by hiding in the beach house for a few days. But by the time he wanted to call her, she had already left. Left even before he had a chance to apologize to her.
Four months. He had already gotten used to the fact that Cherie and Jason are a couple now. Now that they are finally together, he could finally let go of his feelings for Cherie. That windy night, the few days of locking himself inside the beach house and hiding under his blankets, the constant crying, had actually awakened him on many things. It was a very difficult task to get over Cherie, no doubt. After all, she was the first girl he had loved since young. Letting go was hard, but he knew he had to do it. Knowing that Cherie is happy to be with Jason, and that Jason dotes on her like anything, he felt happy for them. He knew he has moved on to another level.
Suddenly, the whistling kettle sounded. He walked to the kitchen and felt for his cup and the container of coffee powder mix. He reached into the container and took out two packets of coffee powder mix and tore them open. With swift and familiar motion, he wrapped a piece of cloth over the hot handle of the kettle and started to pour water into the mug containing a heap of coffee powder. He liked his coffee thick. Even though it was already 1am in the morning, he had to have his dose of coffee.
Ever since the night when Jason and Cherie got together, and Fang Qi left, he had been having sleepless nights. Initially, he had thought that he could not get over the fact the Cherie had chosen Jason over him. But gradually, he came to realise the reason he couldn’t sleep well. He stirred the coffee lightly and carefully held the hot mug in his hand and took a little sip of the coffee. Hmm..thick and bitter. The first taste of bitterness of the coffee describes perfectly well how he felt now. He didn’t bother to add any sugar. Not that he doesn’t like sugar in his coffee. Somehow, he just resists the idea of adding any to it. The corners of his lips curled a little as thoughts ran through his mind. She……drinks her coffee without sugar.
For endless nights, he made himself some coffee in hope of chasing the restlessness within him away. Although he knew that coffee might keep him even more awake, at least it somehow calms his restlessness in the still of the night.
He never used to like coffee until Fang Qi came along and barged into his beach house. When Fang Qi was still staying at the beach house, she had to have at least two cups of coffee everyday. She was almost a coffee addict. She loves her coffee thick and so, she would often tear two packets of the coffee powder mix each time. She had made him stock up boxes of her favourite coffee powder mix. Sometimes when she was in a good mood, she would even serve him coffee. Because of her big craving for coffee, each time the coffee runs out, he would be ordered by Fang Qi to replenish the stock. Soon it became a habit and he would automatically stock up on coffee if he realized that the supply was running low.
As he reached out for the container to close the lid, he realized that there was only one packet of coffee powder mix left. Suddenly a weird feeling of sadness swept over him. It was as if he was witnessing something come to an end. The whole house was so quiet it felt empty. Lonely. Every night, this feeling will surface as he sipped on his coffee. The sense of hollowness within him became a frequent visitor. It was like a puzzle with a missing piece. Fang Qi’s voice would then emerge in his head, scolding him, bickering with him. Tonight, he felt all this again, and more. The feeling is so strong that it is indescribable. All of a sudden, he realized something. Something that he had been trying very hard to conceal or push out of his mind. He missed Fang Qi. A lot. And he could no longer deny it.
Tomorrow. He will go and buy more coffee powder mix tomorrow.
Chapter 26
Wei Lian had been walking aimlessly for the past half an hour after Cherie left. His mind was a blank, his heart was a mess. He no longer knew what to think or what not to think anymore. He has always been very steady about such things. He never let such things bother him as much as this. He always knew when to let go, when to stop bothering. Somehow, this time, he has failed. Failed badly.
As he strolled on, he realized that he had wandered into a familiar park. He recognized the musky smell of the shady trees and the sweet smelling flowers at the park. He hadn’t been here for a long time but he will never forget this place, which brought back many happy memories.
The three of them often hung out here during their school days. Those were the days where they were all young and free from worries. Things were so much simpler then.
"Wei Lian, if you are not married by 30 years old and nobody wants me still, will you marry me or not?" Cherie asked when they were 18.
"You where will no one want la? Worry for what?" Wei Lian had replied her that.
"Wei Lian, Jason bullied me!!!" “Ok ok, I beat him. Jason!!!”
"Wei Lian, someone is hiding behind the bushes, I scared." Cherie said. Wei Lian hugged her protectively.
"Wei Lian....I want your cup of ice cream" Cherie pleaded in her sweetest voice. He gave it to her. “Greedy girl la you!”
A smile broke out on Wei Lian’s face as he recalled all the fun times they shared when they were younger. If only they could turn back the clock. If only… Just as he settled himself down on one of the benches, he heard voices talking. He cocked his head and listened intently to see if there were people near him. His heart froze when he heard two familiar voices. Cherie and Jason.
They were sitting on a bench behind Wei Lian, separated by a low garden wall. Cherie had called Jason and asked to meet him shortly after she left Wei Lian at the mall. The uncertainty was eating her up inside and she couldn’t stand it anymore. She needed some answers. If not, she was going to go crazy.
“Jason, I really don’t want to play any more games. We are old enough to speak our minds.” Cherie spoke with resolve. “So are you in love with Fang Qi? Or me?” She didn’t mince her words at all.
Jason was stunned speechless momentarily by Cherie’s directness. He had intended to confess his feelings for her at Café Mocha Love that day. But Cherie had appeared so indifferent towards him and seemed so distracted while talking to him that he had chickened out. He felt that his presence didn’t mean anything to her. So he swallowed all this words. Now, he can’t believe his ears as Cherie asked if he loved her. He opened his mouth but no words came out. His eyes displayed pain as he looked at her. He reached for her hands and held them tight, and managed only one word. “You.”
“Then why that day at the café you didn’t say so? Why did you ask me out and then leave without a word?? Why you torture me when you love me??” Cherie lost control and screamed at him, bursting into tears. Jason heart ached upon seeing Cherie cry and he moved close to her and wrapped his arms around her tightly. Cherie struggled to get out of his hug but Jason wasn’t going to let go. He just wanted to hold her in his arms to protect her and make her happy forever. Cherie relented as Jason hugged her tighter and she collapsed onto him totally. She was already weak with crying.
“Ssshhh, silly girl. Don’t cry already. I…I didn’t tell you how I felt at the café that day because I thought you and Wei Lian… were together. I was afraid and lost.” Jason explained slowly. “And I was nice to Fang Qi because I wanted to help her abit la, but also for selfish reasons lor. I wanted to see if I could evoke any reaction from you.” He continued sheepishly. “ But when you didn’t show any reaction, I thought that was it for me lor.” “Cherie, I’m really sorry. “ With that, Jason planted a kiss on her forehead and Cherie hugged him tightly round the waist.
The world suddenly spun like no tomorrow. Wei Lian sat numbly on the bench, his heart wrenched up in the deadliest of knots. He knew this day will come. That Cherie and Jason will finally get together. He had expected such an ending. But didn’t know it would come so soon. All these while, he had still been harbouring hopes with Cherie. Many times he had scolded himself for being silly, but he continued to love Cherie with all his heart. Now he knew his feelings had to come to an end. Wasn’t he the one who always said that as long as she is happy, he would be happy? Tears streamed furiously down his face as he thought to himself, “Tan Wei Lian, it’s time you faced up to reality…”
As the hurt numbed his senses and he fell deep in thoughts, he didn’t realize that Jason and Cherie had left. He also didn’t realize that someone was standing next to him, looking at him with a concerned yet pained expression. Fang Qi heart ached for Wei Lian. She has never seen him in such a state before. He had always put up a strong front, always appearing indifferent to the happenings around him. But now….His tears tore her heart apart.
After leaving Cherie and Wei Lian at the shopping mall, Jason had asked to be left alone for awhile. Fang Qi knew that he was upset seeing Wei Lian and Cherie together. Afraid that he would do something silly, she had followed him around secretly, until he came to this park. Then she realised he was here to meet Cherie. And her heart dropped when she caught sight of Wei Lian sitting on the bench just behind them. She didn’t know what to do so she just stood there and waited.
All Fang Qi wanted to do now was to go over and hug Wei Lian. She had been quietly watching him cry for five minutes. He never once wiped his tears away. The resigned and desolate look on his face made her heart ache so much that she started to tear. As she shifted her feet to move closer, Wei Lian suddenly heard her presence and asked, “Who’s that?”
Fang Qi dared not speak. She didn’t know what to say. She knew she might make matters worse with the way she talked. She just wanted to be around to offer some moral support. She was contented to just stay quietly by his side.
Wei Lian knew it was Fang Qi. Somehow, he could just sense it. What is she doing here? To spy on me? To see me in this sorry state? Weird thoughts ran through his mind rapidly. He could feel his anger rising. The emotions running around in his head took over him and he lost control of himself.
“What are you doing here?! Just go la! Don’t stand here and look at me la!” He raised his voice. Hearing no response, he got up from the bench, grabbed his bag and white cane and started to walk away. “I tell you ah, you better don’t follow me ah! Don’t come and irritate me!” Wei Lian couldn’t help but vent all his anger on Fang Qi. There was no one else around to be his punching bag. Except her.
Fang Qi kept quiet and slowly followed behind Wei Lian. No, she was not going to let him leave alone. She was worried for him.
“I already said, don’t follow me! You don’t understand issit?” Wei Lian flared up, his voice as loud as anything, shrieking and trembling with immense anger in the middle of the silent cold night.
“I….I just want to see if you are ok….” Fang Qi finally said meekly, stunned by Wei Lian’s sudden outburst. She had seen him flare up before and each time he flares up, she would retaliate. While in the past, when they squabbled, the most common reaction from him is anger. But this time round, it’s not only anger. She knows it’s more than that. She could feel the extreme hurt and despair from his reactions. She could feel it very strongly. Suddenly, it frightens her. She had never felt like this before…except when Jake left her. But coming from Wei Lian, the sudden feeling she felt from him seems to be more….more than anything….
“What’s there to see? Hah? What do you know? You think you who ah? You know what I’m thinking meh? You think you know everything issit? You don’t know ok!! Why are you following me ha? You can leave me alone or not? Why must you appear in front of us?? If you didn’t appear, everything will be just fine!!! Why? What you want!! Just go away! Go! Just go!” Wei Lian screamed at Fang Qi with all his might. He no longer knew what the hell he was doing or saying. All he wanted to do at that moment was to shout. Shout with all his might. He didn’t care what he was screaming and whether his words made sense. He just wanted to shout and scream. Anything that came to his mind. Anything.
As he stood in the middle of the park wrenching his angry fists, his tears flowed uncontrollably. For a long while, he just stood there quietly in the cold piercing wind. From tears he never once bothered to raise his hand to brush off, to uncontrollable sobs and till he could cry no more. He never once said a word more. He kept silent as the cold wind dried his tear-stained face…
All he could hear was the silence of the park and his sobs. Then…he only knew seconds later that he had managed to chase Fang Qi away. Hurt by Wei Lian sharp words that cut like a knife, Fang Qi had picked up what was left of her shattered heart and ran out of the park in tears. Without him realizing it.
Four months later….
Wei Lian sat at the makeshift dining table, facing the television set. He held the TV remote control and began switching channels on the television set. Channel after channel, all he could hear was the “Sa…sa….sa” noise coming from the television set. Nothing on TV tonight.
How ironic? It’s a Saturday and there is not even an interesting program or movie tonight. He is so sick of variety shows that he automatically skips the variety shows channels. Music channels? Not interested at all. His attention span kept getting diverted after a few seconds. Finally, he heaved a sigh and chucked the remote control back into the remote controls holder after turning off the TV.
Ever since that night, he hasn’t seen or heard from Fang Qi again. He heard from Jason and Cherie that she had left Singapore in a hurry. Maybe she went to visit Ah Ma. Who knows? He tried to console himself by cooking up an excuse for himself. She doesn’t know my pattern meh? A little bit and she got angry meh? He chided quietly in his heart umpteen times whenever he thought of that night. But each time he recalled the scene of him hurling hurtful words at her, trying to chase her away, a sense of guilt would overwhelm him. He knew deep inside his heart, he felt bad about venting his frustration on her that night. He tried cooling himself down by hiding in the beach house for a few days. But by the time he wanted to call her, she had already left. Left even before he had a chance to apologize to her.
Four months. He had already gotten used to the fact that Cherie and Jason are a couple now. Now that they are finally together, he could finally let go of his feelings for Cherie. That windy night, the few days of locking himself inside the beach house and hiding under his blankets, the constant crying, had actually awakened him on many things. It was a very difficult task to get over Cherie, no doubt. After all, she was the first girl he had loved since young. Letting go was hard, but he knew he had to do it. Knowing that Cherie is happy to be with Jason, and that Jason dotes on her like anything, he felt happy for them. He knew he has moved on to another level.
Suddenly, the whistling kettle sounded. He walked to the kitchen and felt for his cup and the container of coffee powder mix. He reached into the container and took out two packets of coffee powder mix and tore them open. With swift and familiar motion, he wrapped a piece of cloth over the hot handle of the kettle and started to pour water into the mug containing a heap of coffee powder. He liked his coffee thick. Even though it was already 1am in the morning, he had to have his dose of coffee.
Ever since the night when Jason and Cherie got together, and Fang Qi left, he had been having sleepless nights. Initially, he had thought that he could not get over the fact the Cherie had chosen Jason over him. But gradually, he came to realise the reason he couldn’t sleep well. He stirred the coffee lightly and carefully held the hot mug in his hand and took a little sip of the coffee. Hmm..thick and bitter. The first taste of bitterness of the coffee describes perfectly well how he felt now. He didn’t bother to add any sugar. Not that he doesn’t like sugar in his coffee. Somehow, he just resists the idea of adding any to it. The corners of his lips curled a little as thoughts ran through his mind. She……drinks her coffee without sugar.
For endless nights, he made himself some coffee in hope of chasing the restlessness within him away. Although he knew that coffee might keep him even more awake, at least it somehow calms his restlessness in the still of the night.
He never used to like coffee until Fang Qi came along and barged into his beach house. When Fang Qi was still staying at the beach house, she had to have at least two cups of coffee everyday. She was almost a coffee addict. She loves her coffee thick and so, she would often tear two packets of the coffee powder mix each time. She had made him stock up boxes of her favourite coffee powder mix. Sometimes when she was in a good mood, she would even serve him coffee. Because of her big craving for coffee, each time the coffee runs out, he would be ordered by Fang Qi to replenish the stock. Soon it became a habit and he would automatically stock up on coffee if he realized that the supply was running low.
As he reached out for the container to close the lid, he realized that there was only one packet of coffee powder mix left. Suddenly a weird feeling of sadness swept over him. It was as if he was witnessing something come to an end. The whole house was so quiet it felt empty. Lonely. Every night, this feeling will surface as he sipped on his coffee. The sense of hollowness within him became a frequent visitor. It was like a puzzle with a missing piece. Fang Qi’s voice would then emerge in his head, scolding him, bickering with him. Tonight, he felt all this again, and more. The feeling is so strong that it is indescribable. All of a sudden, he realized something. Something that he had been trying very hard to conceal or push out of his mind. He missed Fang Qi. A lot. And he could no longer deny it.
Tomorrow. He will go and buy more coffee powder mix tomorrow.
